She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
