Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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