My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
