My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
