You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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