just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
