he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
