he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Randomize
