I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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