Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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