I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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