She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You can't motorboat a personality
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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