Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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