does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
