Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
