I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
