Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
