Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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