things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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