Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
