whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Randomize
