my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
