I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
