Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
