You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
