Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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