ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i will never coherently bang her
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
