she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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