strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
