Can Purell be used as lube?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
50% drunk capacity currently
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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