Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
