yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
