So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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