At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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