god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
