It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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