yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
