They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
They have beer where we have blood.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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