Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
