WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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