The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
