never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
