I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize
