Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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