Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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