i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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