i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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