sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
