i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
