I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
