Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
