If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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