this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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