Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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