i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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