I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
